i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
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