Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Randomize
