i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Someone stole a lamp last night.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
