he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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