How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
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