Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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