Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
