Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize