Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
