just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
