Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
