I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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