We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
