Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
