dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
