It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
