My liver just broke up with me...
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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