I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Randomize
