Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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