Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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