I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
She bit a glass in half.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
