Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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