First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
