someone threw a dead crab at me
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
