What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
