turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I have fence marks all over my body
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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