Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
The adults are the big ones right?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
