yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
