I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
