Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Randomize
