Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
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