I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Less talking, more tequila
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
