Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize