I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
