My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
