explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
