You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
