So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
