I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I'm sobbing to NWA
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
