think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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