checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
