people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
