About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
