my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
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