i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
