she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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