I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
