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I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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