thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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