The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Randomize
