In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
