he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
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