dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
