My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
