She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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