I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
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