I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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