Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
