I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
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