if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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