does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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